My wife was balancing atop a plastic chair fumbling through her phone trying to get the video cam option to work to film all the excitement. My eldest daughter skipping through the house bobbing her head from left to right chanting, “there’s a snake in the house” repeatedly. My youngest with eyes wide open on top of her yaya’s shoulder watching the ruckus from her new vantage point. My son looking like Achilles; shirtless, complete with wooden spear in one hand and my samurai sword in the other, ready to pounce or perhaps run. And then there was me; maneuvering an old cork board and some plywood, blocking all possible escape routes from our kitchen sink closet to the kitchen and onto all the curious onlookers of my household.
I peered into the sink closet, my head darting from left to right to get a better view. My son using my decorative Samurai to point out the location of the critter. I tell him to put it away before he chops his toe or my hand off in the upcoming melee. “So how do we kill it?” he asks excitedly. “We’re not” I retort then add. “I plan to catch it and keep it”. That’s when I felt a slipper hit me in the back. I turned around to find my wife screaming “No way! You’re nuts” apparently expressing the very same sentiment my kids puzzled faces where trying to express. As I look at my crudely made snake catcher which was basically a stick with a nylon noose attached to one end and its accompanying five gallon bucket, I could hear my family shouting words of encouragement like “Just kill it!”, “Papa! You’re crazy” & the all too common “You’re so dead!” comments. I start to focus on the task ahead and drown out their jeers. The last comment I heard before I knelt down was something about me sleeping on the couch that night, and then; the zone. I could barely see it as it was coiled around our electric mixer buried deep within the mountain of stored kitchen appliances we’ve somehow accumulated through the years. As I started removing each appliance around the vermin, the objections grew stronger. By the time I reached the last pot I heard “divorce” and “Annulment” at least twice each. Finally a clear glimpse of my adversary. A two-and-a-half foot brown colored snake with a few light beige yellow markings. “It’s poisonous” My wife shouts! “There are very few poisonous snakes in the Philippines.” I contest. Which was of course, a big fat lie as later research yielded about nineteen poisonous species living in our midst apparently. Then again that number goes up or down depending on which website you visit. I ask my son for my snake catcher. He quickly hands me a Samurai and a devious smile instead. I get the stick conveniently hidden behind him while sticking my tongue out in retaliation. As I probe the slippery serpent with my stick I look for the tell-tale signs. Ok. Two to three feet long; juvenile! A brown coat with light yellow dots. Ok, A Garter, Rat or gulp; Brown snake? Check on fangs “Hmmmm no thanks, but maybe my wife would like to volunteer” I jokingly think to myself smiling. Small flat narrow head; “phew!” Not poisonous. I hope! With a renewed confidence I set out to trapping it. Initially with the pail and stick round up method but it became quite clear that the square corners of the sink closet and my round pail was a bad combination. That snake must have been rolling his eyes wondering what the heck I was trying to achieve. Add to that; the sight of my crudely made noose type snake catcher and that poor critter was probably rolling on the floor nearly dying of laughter. A quick glance around the kitchen yielded my best option. Brand spanking new 24 inch BBQ thongs with price tag still attached. My wife’s eyes grow even larger and her objections louder as she watched me reach for it. I was bracing myself for the next slipper attack which thankfully never came. I was a man on a mission. Parrying the snake’s defensive thrusts and offering a few distractive maneuvers of my own I managed to pin him to a favorable corner. Then with my stick and trusty BBQ thongs in wait I catch my prey and gently place him in the five gallon white pail and seal it with its lid. With our prey safely in the pail I ask my kids for possible names for our new found pet. My wife immediately volunteers the name ‘Road kill’ and promptly grabs the thongs from my hand and disposes of it. My kids breaking out in laughter with the suggestion. ‘Road kill’ it is then. I dip my head below the sink yet again, studying the cabinet below. I notice a small hidden drainage hole in the corner. So that’s how the little devil came in. I think to myself. Till then the only snakes we have ever found in our house where the common five inch blind dirt snakes Indotyphlops braminus in our garden soil which I already managed to convince my kids were completely harmless. My wife on the other hand well, less convinced. Safely tucked away in his temporary home, the family convenes to decide on ‘Road kills’ fate. Amidst the calls for some more colorful methods of disposal proposed by my family, we decide to set it free by the creek at first light. As master of the house I quickly delegate my son to handle the task. He looks at me, takes a step back and says “You’re on your own dad!” And with the rest of my loyal followers already gone, I knew I was demoted and would be disposing of ‘Road Kill’ myself come morning. I take the pail out and leave it by the garden entrance to await his release. That night I spent a few hours online researching on ‘Road kills’ specific specie and can safely conclude he is either a common bronze Tree snake Dendrelaphis caudolineatus or Rat snake Coelognathus erythrurus. Either way, harmless. Oddly enough, I could not find a single snake catcher in Manila online. So if you chance upon one of these critters in your home; well you are apparently on your own as I sure as hell am not going to help you. But if you want to prevent them from entering your home in the first place then you may call the following companies and avail of their Snake repellant treatments. Master Pest Control: 6689833 or 6814642 Termite Control Philippines 214-9861 or 703-4833 Further research that night yielded the proper way I should have handled the situation. Should you encounter a snake in your house, treat it as if it were poisonous. If in a closet or secured place leave it alone and call for help… A.K.A the crazy guy next door foolishly brave enough to do something about it. If the snake is in an open area and can attack or harm your family; throw a blanket over it which apparently calms the snake and ‘try’ to weigh down the sides so it can’t escape then call for help. Yup! Same crazy guy next door. If you live in an area with enough snakes then you can also opt to purchase one of those ‘Snake Catcher’ devices sold online. They’re a tad bit better than my version, I’m told. So the bottom line is; you can either kill it and play conquering hero to the young family or catch it and if benign let it go in a safe environment and risk sleeping on the couch or keep it as a pet and well; find a good family lawyer. After my research I quietly snuck into my room and what do I find. My entire family complete with dog & cat on our bed and another smaller empty bed and pillow on the floor… Oh well. It was worth it. Putting Pinoy Santi Larrauri Special acknowledgement from the following sites for the wonderful photos I would never dare take. http://www.fieldherpforum.com http://birdingmakiling.blogspot.com https://www.inaturalist.org/observations/1075122 www.bugspray.com
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“Tito! What do I do about my boyfriend?” The young lady pleaded with me! Hoping to get some insight that she expected would come naturally from my forty odd years on planet Earth. Really? Me? If she only knew! At my worst I’d probably make her current boyfriend look like a candidate for sainthood. It’s not like any single adage can cover the spectrum when it comes to men and love. But I’ve been down this road many times before so I knew just what to answer to spare me the frustration of trying to explain the nitty-gritty. But do allow me to show you where my unique perspective comes from. Each man of age eventually tapers off to find his own comfort zone away from the ever raging battle that is love. His little elevated protected perch where he can safely dodge cross eyed Cupid’s wayward arrows while cheering on the battle weary love warriors below. Content to watch some total stranger get stabbed in the heart and shout out useless anecdotes into his ear as he bleeds out. Safely spewing out second hand knowledge passed on from equally befuddled males of an earlier generation from the sidelines. I for one have grown from a testosterone on legs to content married man and traversed the gamut of everything in between. Happily hanging up my bloodied axe and cupid’s head fifteen years ago after. Perhaps, occasionally stealing glances at younger women knowing full well that is as far as my current looks and waistline would allow me. Maturing enough to admire the subtleties of the maturing female’s physique which most younger men call settling. “Ahhh!” Their time shall soon come as well. I’ve also laid witness to dozens of friend’s weddings. Some in fact I’ve seen married two or even three times often under my fiercest objections. I don’t know exactly why nor how but when the prospective wife refuses a ‘pre-nup’ or starts changing their lifestyles for them months before the wedding, that alarm in my head simply goes off. And sadly I have yet to be proven wrong. But what can I do? Men often think with the wrong head, perpetually swearing that the next dame was to be the ‘one’. Only to magically turn into a 24 hour ATM machines for their wives. “Oh look here! Another funeral!” Most eventually hang up their battle axes on the second or third salvo, finding solace in other pursuits. Even if just to maintain their sanity. I also know guys who have never slipped a ring on a ladies finger who are truly and emphatically happy being single and would put Usain Bolt to shame at the mere mention of the ‘M” word. Then on the other end of the spectrum I know of several ultra-religious men flooding Facebook with religious quotes who literally keep a harem within striking distance of home. And of course we all have those friends who do nothing but complain about their marriage actually dreading the trip home to be with their not so better halves. And I am happy to announce, I also know a few men who simply can’t wait to go home to their wives and families. No magic formula here as they all come from varied backgrounds, religions, different upbringings and education but the one thing I do notice from the handful of truly happy ones is that they are happy with other aspects of their lives as well. Successful at their own ventures which increases two fold when their partners are just as successful at theirs. They each found financial success, happiness and contentment with themselves first before ever venturing out to marriage knowing full well a separation is a choice they can easily live with and bounce back from but choose not to. But who am I to judge. I’m married to a saint. Plus I’ve seen far smarter men who have spent years analyzing the ideal to perfect matrimony only to hear they died on top of their mistresses. Far greater men than myself have devoted chunks of their lives studying this phenomenon only to come out with nothing more than presumptions you could just as easily find on some greeting card. I on the other hand am content with the conclusion that I share with any woman trying to make heads or tails of the men in their lives. “There is simply not enough ink in the world to cover the symbiotic relation between a man’s heart and his penis.” Good luck! Santi Larrauri Puting Pinoy Special acknowledgement to http://quzmaister.deviantart.com Trump's ethnic ban seems to me to be an experiment in damage control. A radical attempt to correct the previous war-mongering, weapons peddling, political meddling administration's ways which has by many counts failed the WORLD and has made America every terrorist's top target. Will it work? I doubt it. They will probably just sneak in from Mexico or Canada instead. A better plan would be to just make it policy not to meddle in any other countries political affairs and diffuse the hatred before America pays dearly for it. A peaceful neutral America. I still have hope.
Trump's wall on the other hand is an archaic experiment in border protection. China did it against the Mongols and South Korea against their communist neighbors with some measure of success but only because they had the entire nation supporting it. I'm not so sure about Trump's wall though. Mexico has always considers its neighbors as their extended property and if they can't patrol their own people then America must. Try to remember that this was Bill Clinton's plan as well some years back but with a fence and new policies instead of an expensive wall. Well we all know how that turned out and here we are again. https://www.facebook.com/numbersusa/videos/1241866629203363/ But will this wall be any better? What other weapons does this new administration have at their disposal? Let's weigh their options: 1. Transfer every jail and FBI base along the border and then build a long line of smaller distantly placed military barracks, immigration camps and place laser sensors everywhere in between instead of that wall. A bit like South and North Korea less the land mines. It would be a little bit cheaper and far more effective. It will also leave the American taxpayer footing a rather hefty bill. 2. Assign the NRA and their soldiers of fortune to man the fences in shifts for moving target practice. They’d probably volunteer for the job. The stress release alone would probably lower the number of America’s gun related violence and will prove to be far cheaper than a wall! 3. Still considering the landmines here but am afraid the Mexicans will dig them up and sell them back to the NRA guys. 4. How much would it cost to build a crocodile filled river along the border from the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of California and let the Mexicans build it? Naah! Scratch that! The crocodiles might escape when they ran out of food and eat the Americans instead. 4. Oh yeah! How about throw any American who hires an illegal immigrant in jail then force them to build the damn wall? All in all this could become the greatest move the American's have ever done for their own security or prove to be the perfect Achilles heel for the other half to exploit and turn as grounds for impeachment. As for me I'll give him just enough rope to hang himself with and watch it closely. Yes! Believe it or not this is a world affairs matter and not just an American issue. As it may set the precedent for all to safeguard their own borders. I think I'm going into wall construction. Looks like a booming business. This is me signing off from this crazy world for a day. Puting Pinoy “The SOB should have just mowed down the people in Edsa like what his general and son wanted to do.” The room fell silent. And though it was the rumor of the day it was somewhat unsubstantiated but of course widely accepted by the generally Anti-Marcos populace of the day. . https://youtu.be/JBf2u451UiI A story often mentioned but never promoted. Not in public anyways. We lowered our beers and jaws down and just stared at him absorbing the off kilter statement into our alcohol-infused bodies. He took a sip of his beer then raised it up to a toast! A toast none of us partook in. A statement so bold at the very least deserved contemplation. Our usually quiet friend lowered his drink calmly and took another sip in silence. “Gago ka ba? I was one of those there!” Hell! We all were! Young teens in foolish wanton abandon sneaking out going against our parents orders walking from Makati to Ortigas just to take part in the revolution that was to end all revolutions! “I could have been one of your victims!” Thoughts of what even a single small squad of loyal soldiers blindly obeying orders could have done to change history as we know it. Mounting even just two 50 caliber M2’s on tripods in the middle of Edsa. Their adrenaline pumped bodies jumping to action when the order is given. Sending 550 projectiles per minute through waves of people ripping them… us apart! He nodded once as a knowing smile planted on his face then turned to me. “And every single member of your family and friends would have revolted and made sure none of them ever made it back to the Philippines!” Leaning back onto his chair he added. “Not even the Swiss would dare to keep their money after that. They would still be hiding in some African mountain surrounded by guards instead of back here preparing another dynasty.” We quickly laughed it off as drunken banter. This was sometime in 1991 when no less than Corazon Aquino allowed the Marcos’ back into our country with very little opposition. Most analysts of the day did not consider Imelda or any of her kin to be serious political figures anymore even if rumors of her political aspirations were still fluttering. Who could possibly ever want to support them for office after the atrocities they committed? It was simply laughable to even consider. ‘Let them in and we will take them to the cleaners in court and get our billions back!’ was the thought of the day. http://www.nytimes.com/1991/11/04/world/imelda-marcos-returns-to-philippines.html Fast forward 25 years and countless millions spent rewriting history later and Bong Bong Marcos is fast becoming a political dynamo nearly taking the vice presidency fair and square and poised to be the next president in 2022. What happened? Where did all the animosity towards the dictator and his family go? One look at the poor turnouts at the anti-Marcos burial rallies some weeks ago and I wonder. Does time really heal all wounds and are we yet geared for another dynasty and perhaps its subsequent rebellion? Is the opposition even capable of opposing? At this point they are at best a ragtag team of burnt politicians aligned with the wrong side led by a very ill prepared albeit promising vice president. Was the Aquino administration that despised that they somehow took the collective hatred of millions of Filipinos towards the Marcos’ and turned it upon themselves? It would seem so. Their constant claim to fame to have economically saved the country falling onto the deaf ears of the remaining 95% of the country that felt nothing of this supposed boom. The tendency of a bachelor president to blink when the situation got tough now fast becoming his legacy. A legacy laying in the blood of 44 brave abandoned soldiers in some southern field. Steeping in Chinese blood on some tourist bus in Luneta or upon the thousands of rotting bodies on the streets of Tacloban and the ones left to live in squalor thereafter. And yet I do recall many positive feats the previous administration accomplished and that feeling that we were in good hands. So why does it seem to be hidden within the shadow of his fewer failures? Is it our collective disgust of our dirty politics and how little was done to cleanse it? Was it his choice to open a car parts plant instead of meet the 44 brave on a tarmac that drives us to burn down anything even remotely yellow? I don’t know! Filipino minds are fickle but one thing I do know is that if we ever need another revolution to bring that change we still desperately seek it will be long and bloody and our country will never be the same again after. I can still hear the faint shouts of the faithful on Edsa carried on by the dwindling numbers. Cory! Cory. Cor. Co. C…………………….. Change is eternal but we may yet live to learn this lesson all over again! Santi Larrauri Puting Pinoy Acknowledgement to the following for the images used here: Pinoybrunei.com and en.wikipedia.org Finally! Somebody is going to lead the bloody yellow headless chicken! God knows it’s about ‘effin’ time! The damn thing has been bumping every pillar and post from here to the senate trying to make sense of the new landscape.
Good for you Leni! Time to remind the people why they voted for you in the first place. And in case you forgot it’s in part to make sure a certain dictator’s son doesn’t come back to power in 2022. Something that is all but guaranteed if your jaundiced party stay the same path of aimless mudslinging and pathetically attended rallies. And yes also to continue to reform this phenomenally crooked government we still fall under despite of the diligent efforts currently being exerted to cleanse our political cesspit. Get a grip and set your goals and while you’re at it, toughen up. Your Mary Poppins act won’t last you a minute in today’s political landscape. The one that calls for a leader to actually do something when foreign nationals are stuck in a bus with a lone madman or when 44 of your best fighters are getting massacred as they wait for nonexistent back up and so much more! Are you still wondering why Duterte won by a landslide? Believe it or not I’m routing for you and not only because the pickings are beyond slim or my fear of yet another Marcos coming into power but because you have the right stuff. It’s raw, untested and needs work but it’s there and that alone is more than I can say for anyone else you have in your party. Yes the unthinkable may happen again and if BBM grabs the throne I doubt if any other non-Marcos relative or appointed candidate will get to sit on it for a long time after. And if for one moment you think he doesn’t stand a chance may I remind you that BBM perhaps even through divine Picos intervention barely lost to you and his plundering father just got a heroes burial and nay but a handful bothered to contest. I hear people crying out. “What the heck has BBM done ba?” Boy! You guys have a lot to learn. Take a gander at this please. http://bagonglipunan.com/accomplishments-of-bongbong-marcos-as-a-senator/ Now while that starts to sink in remind yourself this is only his list from 2010 onwards. Then turn around and look at your own. Then remember that disparity between them before you ever even come up with the notion of claiming that you don’t need to advertise your accomplishments to show what you are worth. You need to in this battle. Hell nobody even knew what you were doing in the HUDCC till your team had to scramble on December 5, 2016 to come up with this last minute presentation. http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/591310/news/nation/robredo-lists-down-accomplishments-as-hudcc-chairperson So invite the press to every launch, forum and to every baby kissing event! Even the paid variety. There are plenty of them willing to sell their souls. Perhaps even remind yourself that you are where you are largely because of the media mileage your good husband’s very controversial death generated. Yes it hurts but its true. You rode that wave on your election campaign and won against a man who otherwise would have taken the post hands down. Had that not happened you would still be in Naga most probably as an RTC judge. Make no mistake about it! The gods have given you a gift! Do not 'effin' squander it! You are the last hope of the LP and your team need to recognize that and support you 101%. You need to turn all that around. Yes you! So pick up your teams feathers and paint it a different color. Avoiding anything even remotely yellow as nothing nauseates us more nowadays. Yes! That means dropping the dreaded Aquino and Roxas Holcrux anchors into the toilet and attaching yourself to something more buoyant and inviting. One thing the Duterte administration has shown us vividly is the flaws of the previous administration and why we should never ever go back to weak leadership again. I’m glad you mentioned that the president can be spoken to. Hell! He changes his mind all on his own on a daily basis so changing his mind shouldn't be an all too daunting task. But do not for one minute think he doesn’t know what he is doing or underestimate the love he has for our country. His every move is calculated for effect usually to outplay the LP team’s efforts to thwart his rise. Now, I’m glad you assured the country that there would be no attempt to overthrow him as it would fail miserably. He is simply too popular and gets things done. But yes, you do need to remind him of his priorities as even I can’t grasp all his plans. I see the logic and need for most of his actions even if they are deemed unpopular but I myself am opposed to his coddling up to China, Peter Lim, GMA, BBM and a few others even if the actions have seemingly clear yet misguided end goals. Oh well. Till then I pray for you Leni. Because if you don’t become the leader I believe you can become I swear I’ll have to hire a damn shaman and bring back Miriam from the grave! Dammit! 'Puting Pinoy' Santi Larrauri |
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